Please criticize. The title is uncertain and very changeable.
When I Meets Me
I swallowed myself up
A fish down by the riverbed
A fly flying over my head
I watched myself, I stalked myself
Flying alone above my head.
I flew above the grass and reeds
Fellowshipping with the trees
Alone and free and buzzing down to see
The fish swimming in the clear, clean water.
The shimmering silver of their fins beckoned me
Hundreds of glimmering badges of conformity
Lower and lower I flew entranced
Until my feet were stirring the water.
As I looked a fish broke away
From the homogenous sheet below her
A fish I didn't recognize but
I somehow seemed to know her.
She opened up her monstrous maw so widely
And suddenly I was drowning
No air, no light and liberty only
To fling my fighting body against the blackness.
I swallowed myself up
I, a fish down by the riverbed
Me, the fly inside me dead
The objections in my belly stifled.
Sinking swiftly I join the swimming school
Quietly shimmering, glimmering just like me.
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ReplyDeletebleh I had to recomment because it messed up.
ReplyDeleteI like it. I think the style is awesome.
The theme seems to focus on self reflection, or like, that you are viewing yourself. I think about these things a lot. Like I try to be really self aware, and that only happens through constant scrutiny.
The way you've written it evokes relaxing images. Aquatic themes, rivers, etc.
The first paragraph section seems a little confusing for me, it seems like there are two "Me"s that are both using first person.
I didn't really get confused much throughout the rest. I think maybe abusing some punctuation may help with that. I like to toss around dashes, colons, and stuff like that around rather liberally.
tis wonderful. the last stanza seemed a little unnecessary though, it kind of states what was already said throughout the poem. It seems like a "hey, if you didn't get it, here it is", and poems are more fun without that.
ReplyDeleteand if you wanted to say "fling my fighting body against my blackness..."
ReplyDelete